March 09, 2014

Click here to see all posts about "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

Why you should never get into an argument

I used to have very bad temper and I would usually try to win over an argument if I disagreed with someone about a particular subject. I was so convinced that I was right, and the other person was wrong. Therefore, I usually tried to win at all costs, without realizing that it was damaging my relationship with the other person. In fact, I have lost a friend who is a very nice guy, all because of my pride. His name is Joon. I used to be involved with a multi-level marketing company, and I was trying to invite him to join me. We talked about it on the phone. Joon actually knew about the company for quite a long time already, and he had negative opinions about the company just like some people. I strong believed that it’s a great company to join and I had an argument with Joon about the credibility of the company. I couldn’t give up that belief and I tried every possible way to win over Joon. I tried to act like a smart guy and made him feel stupid. Since then, we have never contacted each other again. I actually sent him a text message asking him to forgive me, but I never got a reply. I already read “How to win friends and influence people” at that time, but I never took the lesson into heart. I acted just like a kid, see the video below :)

Friendship is more important than winning an argument

So what’s the lesson here? After I lost my friendship with Joon, I recognized that I should try to avoid getting into an argument as much as possible. If you win the argument, then you make the other person feel embarrassed and defeated. If you lose the argument, then you feel embarrassed and defeated. Either way, you hurt yourself or you hurt the other person. There is no win-win relationship here. My friend, friendship can’t be maintained if one person loses and the other wins! Friendship is more important than wining an argument. So, you had better avoid it! For me right now, whenever I disagree with someone, I try to make it more like a discussion, rather than an argument. I still respect their opinions and I don’t judge whether their opinions are right or wrong. In fact, there are no right or wrong opinions. It’s just that different people view things differently. When I explain my points, I don’t insist that what I am saying it’s absolutely correct, and I am open to criticism. This usually helps me avoid an argument. See the video below for more tips :)

Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes 

Have you ever had any conflict with someone, and you couldn’t understand why they acted in a certain way? Maybe, if you put yourself in their shoes, you could have understood why they acted like that. I used to work with a co-worker who usually complained that our manager was very mean to her. We had a sale target that we were supposed to achieve every day. She complained that our manager always pushed her to sell more. She felt like she was the victim. If she did put herself into our manager’s shoes, maybe she could have understood why he pushed her. I had a very good relationship with my manager, and he told me that the higher-ranking managers usually pushed him to make our team achieve the target. So, the reason why he pushed her was because the higher-ranking managers pushed him. Even though she complained to me a lot, I didn’t criticize her because I was able to put myself in her shoes. I understood how it felt like to be pushed to sell more products, since I had been through that. She was just very emotional. Instead of criticizing her behavior, I tried to help her see the situation from our manager's perspectives to solve the conflict. She gradually stopped complaining and had better relationship with our manager! So my friend, if you have any conflict with someone, or you don’t quite understand their behavior, try putting yourself in their shoes and you might find the answer!

Thank you for reading! Remember to comment, like, subscribe and share with your friends!